Being a stay-at-home mom has given me lots and lots of opportunities. I get to watch my babies grow. I get all the special, little moments. We don't have to worry about putting them in yucky, germy daycares when they are still so susceptible to those yucky germs. I get to wear yoga pants every day.
And I get to watch all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy that are re-run on Lifetime. I was a freshman in college when the series began and I've watched it religiously ever since - through the horrible brain cancer-induced hallucinations and the buses running over people (STILL NOT OVER THAT) and the post it wedding. I love Grey's Anatomy. The fact that Lifetime replays them all in order is awesome, because like I said, I love Grey's Anatomy.
Well, it was awesome. Until today, when they played THAT episode.
I knew it was coming. I knew it on Friday when they played the episode where Callie had her baby shower. I haven't seen it since it first aired and I knew it was coming and yet, like that car wreck, I still had to watch.
For those of you who don't watch Grey's, let me fill you in. First of all, let's start with the fact that this episode first aired on March 31, 2011. That's right, a mere 6 days after my babies - my teeny, tiny, pound-and-a-half, micropreemie babies - were born. This is relevant.
In this particular episode, Callie Torres is 23 and a half weeks pregnant and, as a result of an ill-timed seat belt unbuckling, is sent through the windshield of her car. She's in a coma, has massive brain injuries, heart injuries, so on and so forth... and her micropreemie baby ends up being born just shy of 24 weeks.
People had mixed reactions to the episode when it first aired. There were some major inaccuracies, they missed some obvious preemie things and mishandled some very touchy topics. Mostly, people hated the singing. I forgot to mention the singing. It was pretty ridiculous. Fellow preemie mom blogger Kayla Aimee wrote a really awesome review post on the episode after it first aired. My only reaction the first time I saw the episode? I was a hysterical emotional disaster. My poor mom and husband watched me practically flood our living room I was crying so hard (and still I refused to let them even near the remotes).
I couldn't give a good review of the episode, I could barely form a coherent sentence as I watched scenes from my very own life play out on my TV not even a week later.
And honestly? I thought it would be easier this time around. It has been almost 10 months, my life is so different now. Last time I was just getting into a routine of leaving my babies over and over again. This time when I sat down to watch it, I had just laid my big, beautiful, healthy babies down for a nap - in their own cribs, here at home. And still? I had absolutely no control over my emotions. Ten months and a lifetime later, and watching the hardest piece of my life through someone else's eyes still reduced me to a hysterical emotional disaster. Those emotions are still so raw for me. I'm afraid they always will be.
What about you? Have you seen this episode? What did YOU think about it?