A Day Late and a Dollar Short (AND A WINNER!)

I know, I know... I was supposed to announce my winner yesterday.

I'm sorry!

BUT! I have a really good reason!

We're famous! Our local paper called me at the end of last week - the NICU my babies stayed in is expanding, and they wanted to interview a recent grad as part of their article. And they chose us! I was super super flattered and well, I love our NICU so of course I jumped at the chance. The only problem? I was out of town Thursday-Sunday and they wanted to run the article today. Which means yesterday was a blur of last minute cleaning our messy just-back-in-town house, making myself look presentable, and putting cute clothes on the babies for the paper's photographer to come take our picture. (Alright, alright, and then my sister came over and we tried to make our own weave. That's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day.) Point of the story: yesterday was uber busy, which is why I didn't get to do this post.

But I'm here now!

Comment #13 was from thefloyds10! Yay Savannah!!! Email me (dingle.lee at gmail.com) and we'll get a hat going for sweet Noah :)

I'd like to extend a big huge THANK YOU to everyone who entered and promoted my giveaway! I had a lot of fun and I couldn't have done it without all of you! Annnnd a big HELLO to all my new readers... leave me a comment and tell me a little bit about you!


PS If you'd like to read the article featuring my sweet babies, you can see the whole thing online here!

How to Talk to a NICU Mom

Let me begin this post by saying that the love and support I was shown throughout our NICU stay was beyond overwhelming. Some days, the kind words were the only thing that kept me going. I will forever be indebted to those of you who supported us.

That being said, there were also things said to us that were insensitive and unintentionally hurtful. It is easy to brush it off as being too sensitive, but let's be honest - this is probably one of the most sensitive times in a mother's (and a family's) life. Words are powerful to a vulnerable person.

It's no secret that the NICU is terrifying and overwhelming. I hope you never need this, but should you find yourself face-to-face with a NICU mom, here is a little primer for how to talk to her.



Me and Audrey, April 25

-DO ask about her baby. Congratulate her on the birth of her child. Preemie moms miss out on some of this because people are afraid to ask for fear of upsetting her, but even though her baby is sick it is still her baby. She is proud of her baby and she wants to talk about him. So ask her, and then listen.

-DO also ask her how she is doing, and don't settle for a half-hearted "fine" for an answer. Most people's concern is directed at the baby, as it should be, but someone needs to worry about mom, too. We have a lot of conflicting emotions that we probably need to talk through but won't acknowledge unless we're made to. I will forever hold a place in my heart for the friend who looked me in the eye and said "How are you doing? No, how are you REALLY doing?"

-DON'T try to make light of her situation. You may think that comments like "Sleep while you can!" or "At least you get free childcare for the newborn months!" or "At least you didn't have to go through the uncomfortable part of pregnancy!" are helpful, but really they hurt so, so, much. Because honestly? A NICU mom a) probably is up every 2-3 hours pumping and/or calling for baby updates, so they're not sleeping much anyways; b) babies that come home on or around their due date are still developmentally newborns, regardless of their age, so we still get the newborn stage on TOP of the NICU months; and c) I would cover every inch of my skin in stretch marks and spend years with something wedged in my ribs if it meant trading that for our three-month hospital stay. There is nothing good about having a baby in the NICU, and while we appreciate the effort please don't try to pretend.

-DO offer to help. You can ask what you can do, but don't expect a clear-cut answer. We live in a constant fog with hospital stuff taking up so much of our minds we're lucky we remember our own names. Your best bet is to offer something specific - walk dogs, mow yards, cook meals. These are the things that fall to the wayside amidst the hospital hustle, so it's really nice to not have to worry about them.


I really hope this helps someone out there. Preemie mom friends, is there anything you'd like to add?

What We Love: NICU Edition

As a new(ish) mom, I'm forever looking for product recommendations and things that other moms swear by. The baby-product market is one that is absolutely saturated and can be tough to navigate sometimes, so items that have the stamp of approval from moms I trust are usually the ones I will go for.

So I figured that since I love to know what other moms are using, certainly there are moms (a mom? Anyone? Beuller?) that would want to know what I'm using! So stay tuned, this is just the first in a line of posts about What We Love :)

When I was in the midst of our NICU journey especially, I would stay up all hours of the night, scouring the internet for tips and tricks from "been there, done that" moms to make our stay as easy as possible. In a journey that is about as easy as catching a pig slathered in Vaseline, any little bit helps!

Here are the things that I found useful throughout our 3 and a half month NICU stay:


-The Medela Pump In Style Advanced breastpump
There is a reason I put this first. I called this thing my third child. I slept next to it, I carried with me at home from room to room, I never left the house without it. I was attached to this thing 24/7 while my babies were in the hospital. The indisputable fact is that premature babies need breastmilk. Breast is best for any baby but preemie babies, with their extremely fragile immune systems, NEED the antibodies found only in breastmilk. I could write a whole post on the importance of pumping for your preemie and my whole story, but I'll save that for another day. What I will say now is that when you are pumping full-time, only the best will do. The PISA is pricey, but it is SO worth it (and was the only one recommended by my IBCLC Lactation Consultant).


-Gallon-sized Ziplock bags
This might seem like a weird addition to the list, but we used these for EVERYTHING. I would put my clean pump parts in one to tote to the NICU, and throw another in my pump bag to keep the dirty parts separate. The hospital gave me "lovey squares," which were just little knit squares that I would sleep with so the babies would have my scent with them, and I would wash them, take them straight from the dryer and stick them in my bra, and then straight from my bra to a Ziplock, so that it wasn't exposed to any more germs than it needed to be. Same with their outfits when they were able to wear clothes: straight from the dryer and into a Ziplock. The NICU made me into a huge germaphobe, yall.


-A good water bottle
If you are pumping/breastfeeding, you need to be drinking a LOT of water. I spent hours at a time in the NICU, so it was nice to have a bottle I could throw in my pump bag, not worry about it leaking, and could refill. The one I have (that's pictured here) is a Tupperware Intak, which was a gift from a friend and I really like it.


-Good hand cream
My nails split. My skin peeled. I had to scrub every time I went into the NICU (4-5 times a day) plus every time I went from one baby to the other. It KILLED my hands. Our second week there I bought this Burt's Bees hand cream in the hospitalgift shop and I've loved it since the first time I used it. I don't think my hands will ever recover, but this stuff really made a difference.


-Preemie-friendly clothes
There are lots of clothes that come in preemie sizes (Carters and the Babies R Us were brands that fit us well), but in the NICU you also have to accommodate for medical equipment. The babies had cannulas on their faces that made over-the-head things (like onesies) hard to get on and off, and wire leads on their chests, bellies and feet that made zip-up outfits unsafe because the wires ended up coming out near their necks. What we found to be our best bet were one-piece snap-front sleepers. The long sleeves and pants kept them warm in the chilly hospital, we could put them on without going over their heads, and the gaps between the snaps let the wires hang out below their bellies and not up near their necks. We actually got that cute monkey outfit as a gift from another friend - in blue AND pink!
*And a word to the wise - check with your NICU about their clothing policies. It varies from hospital to hospital, but we weren't allowed to put clothes on the babies until they were out of isolattes AND warmer beds, and into open-air cribs. For us, that was about 2 months in when they weighed about 4 pounds.


-Hospital photos
Our NICU had a contract with the Bella Baby company, and a photographer came once a week to take professional pictures of the babies while they were in the hospital. . You might think at first that you don't want to remember these times because they're hard and scary, but I cannot put into words how much I cherish these pictures. They are totally a testament to how far we've come, and I might be the only one but I think even the tiny, sad ones are beautiful. If your hospital has a contract with a company, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT. If not, go to http://www.picturesofhopefoundation.org/ to find a photographer in your area that will provide the same service. I promise, you will not regret it!


So that's it, those are the things that helped us through our NICU stay. Fellow NICU mommies, is there anything you'd like to add? I'd love to hear it in the comments!

Gratitude

I'm trying to write my farewell letter to the doctors and nurses.

I'm having a really hard time with it.

Preparing to leave is so bittersweet. I've come to love these people as family, and they love my babies too. I've spent every single day of the last three and a half months with them, they've become a part of my life and I'm going to miss that part. It's like some weird grown-up version of summer camp, but with your sick babies... you're ready for it to be over but you're not ready to say goodbye.

And then, how do you express a gratitude this deep? "Thank you" is what you say to the person who holds the door for you at the bank. "Thank you" is not sufficent for the people who saved your babies lives.

I'd say I owe them my first born but she's super cute and after all this I'd really like to keep her. :)

Phililppians 1:3 - I thank my God upon every remembrance of you

One Hundred

Yesterday was our 100th day in the NICU.

It has been one hundred days of stress. One hundred days of worry. One hundred days of tears and heartbreak and trudging back and forth from the hospital.

But it has also been one hundred days of joy. One hundred days of hope. One hundred days of unbearable love and watching miracles happen before my very eyes.

I was not supposed to have these 100 extra days with my babies. At least, not with my babies on the outside. But in a weird way, I'm kind of glad I did. This time - though harder than anything else I have ever had to endure - this time has been special. I have gotten to watch my teeny tiny one-and-a-half pound babies thrive and grow and become these newborns that aren't quite newborns. Babies are all amazing but my babies? They are extraordinary. Their strength in the last 100 days have proven that, time and time again. I am so lucky to have had these 100 days with them.

My times are in Your hand -Psalm 31:15


PS - Happy Fourth, yall. It's been a quiet one around here... we're busy preparing for our own little Independence Day ;)

Pour Out Your Hearts

Today was a much better day! The cupcake-and-sleep combo did me wonders.

The babies had a better day, too. They didn't get cupcakes unfortunately, but they did both a round of "just in case" antibiotics and some fresh blood so they were all happy and pink and pretty (Stephanie Meyer would be so jealous).

Today was bath and weight day too, and my kids have hit a definite growth spurt. The last time they were weighed was Thursday, and Grayson was 4lb2oz and Audrey was 3lb15oz. Today? FOUR POUNDS TEN OUNCES and FOUR POUNDS FIVE OUNCES. Holy moly! We officially have two 4 pound babies, and we're totally knocking on 5 pounds. I'm afraid Grayson is going to outgrow all his preemie stuff before I even get to put him in it.

Wanna see what else we have been up to?




Open beds! Grayson is in a normal, regular ol' full-term newborn crib! Audrey still needs a bed with a warmer but we are OUT of the isolettes! (Also, I'm very glad that our NICU's care level is not directly proportionate with the age of some of it's equipment. Nice wood paneling, no?)




PO feeds! I have to be totally honest and tell you that I have no idea what PO stands for but I DO know that it means we can feed the babies by mouth! Evey day we get to try one bottle feed and one breastfeed (don't worry, I won't share those pictures here) with both babies. Miss Piggy Pants has taken to it like a champ, and Grayson is good while he can stay awake which unfotunately isn't for long. It'll take practice but this is another huge step for my babies!

Also? The nurses have taken to saying "two to four weeks" now instead of "four to six weeks". Be still my heart.

Trust in Him at all times, o people, pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. -Psalm 62:8

Mama Said

I'm having a day.

Don't worry, everything is ok with the babies.

And really, I'm fine too. We've been incredibly blessed these last 10 weeks with a relitively smooth NICU stay. (Sidenote: how has it been 10 weeks already?!?) It's just that sometimes? It can be totally overwhelming. And exhausting, in every sense of the word. And very "omg if I have to walk down this hall and be buzzed in through these doors one more time in my life I'm going to scream". Right now is one of those times for me.

You're not supposed to know things about the other babies, but in a bay-style NICU it's hard not to. And this week, I overheard that the baby next to Audrey has NEC. I'm not going to tell you about NEC - not because I don't want to but because as a preemie mom it is probably my second biggest fear - and typing out the gory details that a NEC diagnosis can include would probably be the proverbial straw for this camel. A transport team came yesterday and packed that little baby up and shuttled him to a bigger hospital that is better equipped to deal with his diagnosis. That poor little guy has been weighing on my heart.

Then Audrey had to get a blood transfusion today. There's nothing even wrong with that, she's started making her own red blood cells but she's not quite making them fast enough. She's a little tired and the extra blood will probably give her a boost. But they had to start and IV to do the transfusion. And we got all our IVs out weeks ago, and it was such a "one more step forward" kind of thing, and now we're back to the needles. And watching your baby get stuck is never ever a fun thing. On top of that, we missed our once-a-day breastfeeding because of it, which was a major major bummer for me.

So now, I'm going to go eat a cupcake. And maybe skip my 3AM pumping so that I can get some good sleep. And I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning!

There's No Place Like It

The H word.

Nurses don't just throw that word around. Doctors hardly ever say it. It's never been said to us before.

Until today.

"We weaned Grayson's flow a to 2.5 today," the respitory therapist told us. "Once we can get him down to one we can start talking about sending him home."

Home.

HOME!

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness!!! This is actually gonna happen, yall. I've always thought in "ifs" and not "whens", and most of the time I've been too scared to think about anything further than the next five minutes with my babies. But it looks like it is actually going to happen. These tiny babies in the plastic boxes are going to be coming home with me!

It makes me cry. And laugh. And panic a little. I have a nursery to finish! (And by finish I mean start. Did I say OH MY GOODNESS?!?)

(And PS - They're not talking about tomorrow, of course. We still have other milestones to meet. But it's in the not-so-distant future!)

A Thousand Words

These are the two picture frames that currently sit on the dresser in my bedroom. On the left are pictures from the very first time I held each of the babies, back when they were right around a week old. On the right, it's a picture of the first time I held both babies at the same time, right before they hit 2 months.

Look at how far we have come.

The saying goes that "a picture is worth a thousand words" but I see these pictures side-by-side and I have no words. These pictures are worth so much more than a thousand words - they represent a thousand tears and a thousand prayers and a thousand feelings that don't have names.

I don't know what else to say... just LOOK at how far we've come!

Two Months!

Both babies at once, for the very first time!

To my little loves,

Today you are two months old! Two months! There was a time that I didn't think I was going to get two days with you, so two months seems like such a huge accomplishment and an even bigger blessing. Two months - 61 days, to be exact - doesn't seem like that long but I already can't remember life without the two of you. How did I live without this enormous love?

Audrey

birthday // one month // two months
You love your paci and your daddy's voice. You're such a snuggler now and your favorite place is curled up on my chest with your head on my shoulder. You have the biggest most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen on a baby and the nurses all love your cheeks and laugh about how active you are in your bed during the "quiet times". They say you look like your daddy but I don't really see it, I think you have my nose and that you kind of look like my mom (your grandma) did when she was a baby. You FINALLY hit three pounds just this week and now you clock in at 3lb 7 oz, which is 2lb 2oz more than what you weighed when you were born.

Grayson

birthday // one month // two months
You just discovered your love for the paci too and you are so funny to watch with it, because you chomp on that thing like it is your job! You sleep like a champ (can we keep that up once you get home please?!?) and you make the cutest faces when we talk to you. In the picture of you with no tubes on you look just like my Grandpa did, you'll never get to meet him but I know that he would have loved you so very much. We tease you about being a wimpy white boy but you always prove us wrong in the end, and you're still my chunky monkey at 3lb 12oz (up 2lb 4oz since birth).


Look at how far you two have come in such a short time! I have said it a million times but I will never be able to put into words just how proud I am of you, my sweet little babies. You have shown me what is important in life - and there is nothing more important to me than the two of you. You are absolutely my reason for breathing.

I love you two, all the way to the moon and back.
-Mommy

Bright Eyes

I forgot to update this amidst all the CPAP excitement (which, by the way, all of us on the CPAP are still rocking it) but the babies had their eye exams on Monday. Being born early puts babies at risk for something called Retinopathy of Prematurity (affectionately known as ROP), which is where the blood vessels in their retinas don't get to finish developing normally and can become "disorganized". ROP can cause vision problems at best, and retinal detachment or blindness if it is severe enough. All preterm babies are at risk for ROP, but especially babies with extremely low birthweights (um, check and check) and babies that have high oxygen reqirements for any amount of time (check there for Grayson too, from back when he was on the oscillator).

Needless to say, we were kind of holding our breath for this exam.

And while we were anxious to get the exam done and get some answers about the babies' eyes, the timing was horrible for it. The exam can be kind of stressful for the tiny ones, and I can totally understand why because their nurse gave me a very graphic description of the proceadure and I am SO glad I was at work and missed it. But I worried because when babies are so tiny like my babies are, stress can affect their respitory funtioning. And and I hated that this stress was coming so soon after their transition to CPAP - about 24 hours for Audrey and only 30 minutes for Grayson.

I was terrified that one (or both) would end up back on the venitlator.

They proved me wrong.

They both handled it with composure that would rival someone ten times their size (because seriously? I don't think I would have handled that well). The hated getting their eyes dialted but uh, does anyone like getting their eyes dialated? And afterwards they both bounced back well and settled down quickly and no one ended up back on the vent.

Oh, and the icing on the cake? Both exams came back well within normal limits. No ROP!

I should have never doubted my babies.

Why?

I have a lot to write about.

Like how going back to work wasn't so bad. And about the March of Dimes walk I did this morning that was wonderful and so fufilling. And I need to make a big ol' update about the babies and how AWESOME they are doing.

But today... today, a new baby was admitted into our NICU. Not an uncommon occurance, but this baby is different. This is the first baby I've seen where the nurses have whispered "probably won't make it".

It shatters my heart.

I see this mom, still in a hospital gown and hooked to an IV, and she looks terrified and I want to hug her and tell her it's ok but the fact of the matter is it's not ok. This woman is living out my greatest fear right in front of my eyes, the fear that I danced dangerously close to and somehow escaped, it is her reality now and it absolutely shatters my heart.

I've asked God why a LOT throughout the last eight weeks. Why me? Why us? Why my precious, tiny babies? Why did this happen to me, and not my sister-in-law, or my three (yes, three) best friends who are also pregnant, or the woman in line behind me in Target? Why didn't He stop it from happening, make me go to the doctor earlier, slow my contractions? Why?

Tonight though, I'm asking a different kind of why. Why have my babies done so well? Why do I get to keep them and other women don't? That baby is no younger or smaller than what my babies were (because let's face it, my babies were as young and as small as they could be and still be considered "viable"), they were born at the same hospital with the same medical team and the same care, so what makes them different?

I know that I will probably never know the "becasue" to my "why". I just know that my babies are special, they were chosen for this and this is the path that my family was given to walk and there's no turning back now. And I know that I am incredibly lucky.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." -Jeremiah 1:5

An Ode to Pumping

Who has two boobs and an infection in both??? This girl.

At first I thought it was a plugged duct. Then maybe it was mastitis. The Lactation Consultant said maybe a yeast infection. My OB cultured my milk, and it came back positive for an infection called klebsiella.

Ugh ugh ugh. Let me tell you all the reasons why this sucks so bad. First of all, it makes it really painful to pump. Pumping is about a negative 32 on the 1-10 scale of fun to begin with, so adding pain in the mix makes it EVEN WORSE.

(For those of you not in the know, pumping is an alternative to breastfeeding, except instead of a cute cuddly baby doing the eating, you hook yourself up to a machine that expresses the milk for you and stores it in bottles. The thing with pumping though, is you have to do it on the same schedule as a newborn would feed to establish your milk supply. Read: 20 minutes, every two to three hours. All day. All night. And I can GARUNTEE that waking up at 3am to plastic parts is not near as fun as waking up at 3am to that cute cuddly newborn. Buuuut they tell me that breastmilk is absolutely the best thing I can give my babies, so I pump my brains out anyways.)

(Wait, can it be considered an "Ode to Pumping" if I'm talking about how much I hate it?)

Reason numero dos the infection sucks: I have to dump all the milk I make until I finish up my antibiotics. I still have to do all the work, because otherwise my supply will tank and I won't make as much milk, but all my efforts are down the drain. Literally. And we're currently in the process of testing all the milk I have in the freezer to see when exactly the infection set in. We're all the way back to APRIL THE FOURTH and it is STILL COMING UP POSITIVE OMG. Everything that comes back positive has to be tossed. We're talking hours upon HOURS of work here, enough bottles to feed my babies for weeks, IN THE TRASH. It breaks my heart.

But really, the absolute worst part of the whole thing is that I unknowingly passed the infection to my babies. They both have had blood cultures that came back positive for the klebsiella and I feel terrible. Really, I kind of feel like DFCS should just go ahead and step in and take them now because I'm obviously the worst mom in the world. IN. THE. WORLD. And I know logically that it's not my fault and that I didn't know and that there was nothing I should have or could have done different but still... I got my babies sick. My teeny tiny struggling fighting babies, who have it hard enough as it is, are sick because of me.

This "Mommy Guilt" is something serious, yall.

Luckily, they don't seem to be TOO affected by it. Their platelet counts have been low, which is easily remedied by transfusions, but they're both still active and their oxygen needs haven't changed much. The doctor said that he is really pleased with how the babies are handling it because this is an infection that has the potential to be kind of scary so we're hoping, praying, pleading and making deals with God that we've seen the worst of it and they won't get too sick.

When you say your prayers tonight, say a little prayer that my babies get better. And while you're at it, say a prayer that my boobs get better, too. We'd all appreciate it!

Time marches on

It's been a few days, huh? The babies are three weeks old now (well, three weeks and two days), holy moly! Which puts them at 27 weeks (and three days) gestational age.

Here's a quick update on my munchkins:

Grayson
-We have a two pound baby!!! They weighed him yesterday and he was 2lb 11oz, but the paralytic he was on last week has made him retain a LOT of fluid and his nurse said he was probably closer to 2lb5oz or so. BUT STILL! Two pounds!!!
-And they were able to weigh him today because HE IS OFF THE OSCILLATOR!!!!!! His blood gases have been good so they tried him back on the traditional vent and so far he's been doing pretty well. (Minus an episode this afternoon where his lung secretions plugged his tube and he had to be reintubated. Scariest. Thing. EVER. to witness, at least from a mom standpoint. But I digress...) They warned me that he might have to go back on the oscillator BUT TODAY HE IS OFF. Hooray!
-He finally kicked his first infection but now they think he might have another. They repeated his blood culture and we're waiting to hear back from it... pray for a negative result!
-He's still such a laid-back baby. He hardly ever gets riled up but he makes the CUTEST faces. And I swear, he looks more like Chris every day.

Audrey
-She's still my tiny girl, her last weigh in was 1lb14oz. Not far behind her brother, and she's knocking on the 2 pound mark!
-She was diagnosed this week with a PDA. A PDA is a heart problem that is common in premature babies. Before birth, a large artery called the ductus arteriosus lets blood bypass the lungs because the fetus gets its oxygen through the placenta. The ductus arteriosus normally closes soon after birth so that blood can travel to the lungs and pick up oxygen, but in premature babies it sometimes doesn't close. They can use a medicine called Indocin (which, ironically, is the same medicine that stopped my contractions) to close it. Audrey's really isn't affecting her too much right now, and sometimes they can close on their own, so the doctors have decided to take a wait-and-see approach with her. Pray that it closes easily and doesn't cause andy problems for our baby girl!
-Her oxygen requirements have been really low lately (which is good!) although the number of breaths she needs from the ventilator is still pretty high. We're going in the right direction though, hopefully she'll be off the ventilator sooner rather than later!
-Miss Thing is still just as sassy as ever. The nurses all get the biggest kick out of her, they'll position her just right with all these rolled blankets and gel pads and she'll wiggle right out of it as soon as they're not looking and get right into however SHE wants to lay. Usually, that's with her knees pulled up and her hands up over her head, regardless of any tube or wire that may be in her way. She's set off many alarms by getting wrapped up in her tubes. She's also discovered her feeding tube, and has pulled it out no less than four times in the last three days. Girl is a MESS.

I think that about sums it up... we've been busy around here! It's still very two-steps-forward-one-step-backwards and it can be SO exhausting at times. I'm SO proud of my babies though, they are such little fighters. I'm a lucky mama!

The NICU Shuffle

A couple days ago the NICU was a roller coaster. Today it is a dance.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Grayson is doing MUCH better. Still not "out of the woods", but much much better than he was. His oxygen requirements are way down and his lung x-rays are improving. Turns out he has a little infection which is what was throwing him out of whack, so they started him on antibiotics and that has helped tremendously. The oscillator is also still working its wonders, as his blood gases have been almost perfect since he's been on it.

But like I said, he started off haaaating it and never got better, so they had to put him on a paralytic drug so he would stop fighting it and let it do its job. After a couple days he wasn't fighting as much so they let him come off it, but then he started trying to breathe over the ventilator. So he's back on it. And the paralytic messes with his blood pressure, so he had to go on Dopamine to help regulate that.

Like I said... two steps forward, one step back. Round and round.

We're just working towards our big finale number, where the four of us finally waltz OUT of the hospital and INTO our home.

The New Normal

There is an IV in my daughter's head.

Let that sink in for a second.

My beautiful, perfect little baby girl has a NEEDLE in her HEAD.

"Don't panic," the nurse said as I approached her isolette this afternoon (which of course, does nothing but make panic bubble up in my belly). I lifted the blanket that stays draped over her cover and I know my eyes gave me away entirely. "Every baby gets them at some point, it's totally normal" the nurse started quickly, "it doesn't bother her any more than the one in her arm or her foot did. That's actually a better place for them because she can't pull at it. Plus, look! She can kick both her legs now!"

It took me a while, but by the end of our visit it didn't bother me near as much, not any more than the other tubes and wires she's attached to. She's still my pretty little lady.

Though I will say, I never thought that my "normal" would include a needle in my baby's head.

Two weeks?!?

The babies are two weeks old today (and technically are 26 weeks gestational age) which omg, I can't BELIEVE it's been that long! Since now you now how they got here, let's see how the are...


NICU stuff
-Can I just say again that our NICU is so so so wonderful?!? Really, I am SO pleased with 99.7% of it. There's like, two nurses that aren't my favorite people in the world but really it's more of a personality thing, they ALL take fantastic care of my babies and THAT is what matters. The respitory team we've been working with is SO good, they really take time to explain everything to me and I am SO appreciative of that. NICU stuff is scary and overwhelming and having doctors that help me know what's going on really makes a difference. Seriously, they rock so much.

-Both babies have lots of tubes and stuff that are kind of scary but I'm getting used to them. They both have two tubes in their mouths, one that is a respirator that goes into their lungs and helps them breathe, and a feeding tube that goes into their bellies. They both had artery lines in their belly buttons at first, but those had to be removed after 7 days and then they each got an artery line in their foot. Those freak me out more than anything because if they get pulled out they will bleed really fast buuuut they have them pretty secure so I just try not to think about it lol, those are used for blood transfusions and when the nurses need to take blood for tests or whatever so the babies don't have to be stuck a million times. Audrey had to have ehrs removed though (it was turning her toes blue) so now she has lots of wires attached to her with little stickies, I like that she doesn't have the line anymore but they have to prick her heel anytime they need blood now, poor baby :( They also have an IV in their arm where any medicine they get goes. On top of all that, they have a pulse monitor that is just a little wire they keep attached with a sticker and a pulse ox monitor (that measures the level of oxygen in their blood)/blood pressure monitor that either wraps around their arm or their foot and looks like the teeniest blood pressure cuff EVAR lol it's so cute. Lots and lots of tubes and stuff, they look like little bowls of spaghetti lol.

-They're both getting little bits of breastmilk in their feeding tubes! They're not getting their nutrition from it yet (they have this stuff called TNP that they get all of their calories/eletcrolites/fat from) but the breastmilk primes their digestive system for when they DO start getting real feeds plus they get all the immune system benefits and all that from it. They get 1.2CCs an hour continuously through their feeding tubes, which is way up from the .3CCs an hour they started with, so yay!

-They have specific "touch times" in the NICU when the nurses go into their beds to give meds or feed or whatever, and if I'm there they let me check their temps and change their diapers. It's so fun and it makes me feel like a real mommy for minute.

-I've gotten to Kangaroo Care (skin-to-skin) with both babies TWICE now! It's seriously a HUGE hassle to get the babies AND their vents AND all their tubes out of the beds and into my arms but it is so so SO worth it! There's all sorts of research that says it's super good for the babies and the nurses really encourage it. They have me take everything off on top and put on a hospital gown and they stick the baby down in there so we're full skin-to-skin. The babies respond really well to it and it seriously is some of the best moments of my life so far, I bawled the first time, like serious huge crocodile tears!


Grayson
-He is going to be such a good baby, seriously he is SO chill! The nurses poke at him and it doesn't even phase him, the only thing he really doesn't like is getting bathed. They can't cry because of the tubes in their throats but they scrunch up their little faces and it's SO pitiful lol, he makes the saddest faces when they bathe him!

-He looks SO much like Chris already, he has Chris's nose for sure and he has really dark hair but he has tiny ears like me.

-He makes the same big moves now that he did when he was in my belly, it's so funny. He's a big stretcher and will arch his back and kick his legs all the way out and he fans his toes out and it is SO cute.

-He's peed on me TWICE!

-His "bumps" have been pretty standard preemie stuff so far (knock on wood). He's had to go under the bili lights (the blue lights they use for jaundiced babies) a couple times. The lights caused him to lose moisture too fast though, which made his sodium levels go up which gave him some blood pressure issues for a little bit, but everything has leveled out now. He was having a hard time digesting his breastmilk at first but he starting pooping lol and they gave him a medicine called Reglan to help and he's doing AWESOME with it now!

-The only other major bump he's had is that his belly button line started to mess with his circulation a little bit, and some of the toes on his left foot turned really purple. They caught it pretty quick and actually had to move his line a day early, and they have been putting some Nitrogen something cream on it and it looks SO much better.

-When he was born he weighed 1lb8oz and was 12.5 inches long. Now he weighs 1lb 15.9 oz (I MEAN WE COULDN'T ROUND THAT UP GUYS?!?) and is 13.25 inches long. He has gained EIGHT OUNCES which is HALF A POUND and grown three-quarters of an inch in TWO WEEKS! My big boy!


Audrey
-She is affectionatly known as "Sassy" around the NICU lol. When the nurses do her touch time she HATES it and she lets them know... she'll scrunch up her face and kick and wave her arms around and when she gets really mad she'll desat (short for "desaturation", when the amount of oxygen in her blood drops) and then she'll bring herself right back up... desats aren't funny but it IS kind of funny when she does it to the nurses.

-She looks a lot like my mom's side of the family. She has exact copies of my feet and she has my nose, but her hair looks pretty light for now.

-Girl is a wiggle worm! even when she is sound asleep she never stops moving. And she's gotten the hiccups a couple times which is funny to me because she was always the one that got them in my belly.

-Her eyes are open!!! Both babies had fused eyelids when they were born, and she opened hers on the 3rd. They're still kind of squinty and she's still so immature that the lights bother her, but she is SO CUTE omg.

-Her bumps have all been standard preemie stuff too... She needed the bili lights like Grayson, she had some trouble digesting breastmilk at first but got the Reglan and it helped.

-She had one bump though that, although everyone assured me it was a totally normal thing that happens, was TERRIFYING to watch... I had been holding her, and when the nurses took her from me to put her back in the bed all of a sudden all her vitals went wonky and all these alarms started going off. She started turning gray (WHICH OMG YOU GUYS) so they unhooked the ventilator tube and used the bag which helped but she still wasn't where she needed to be, so they called in the respitory therapist (there's always one on call there) and she said it looked like a problem with her tube so they had to pull out her breathing tube and reintubate her AND OMG IT WAS SO SCARY. Apparently what happened was they all have some junk in their lungs (because all they do is lay flat, and they can't cough or anything) and when the nurses moved her, some of the junk got knocked loose and got lodged in her breathing tube, which blocked it and made it hard for her to breathe. They all assured me it happens to almost every baby (as I'm standing there sobbing, in jeans and a hospital gown with my boobs leaking everywhere... I'm sure it was a sight to see) but seriously? One of the scariest moments OF MY LIFE. Once she got her new tube in though she was totally fine, slept the rest of the afternoon and didn't even desat. Like I said, Sassy!

-She was born at 1lb5oz and 12.25 inches. Now she weighs 1lb12oz and is right at 13 inches long. She's gained SEVEN OUNCES and three-quarters of an inch in TWO WEEKS! She's tinier than her brother but she's holding her own!


Me
-Can I start by saying that I am so so SO thankful I didn't get the epidural? And even MORE thankful I didn't have to have a c-section? My recovery has seriously been SO easy. I was up and walking like, 30 minutes after giving birth. I didn't have any tearing or anything (um, bright side of having super tiny babies?) and my bleeding has almost completely stopped already.

-Im only 5 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight already. I guess everyone was right when they told me I was "all baby"? Things have kind of rearranged though, I definitley have more of a pooch on my belly than before. I can get in my pre-preg fat jeans already but not all my pants. I'm ready for the next four weeks to go by so I can get back in the gym!

-Obviously I can't breastfeed at the moment (which is kind of sad for me because I was REALLY looking forward to it) BUT like I mentioned, they do have me pumping. And pump I do, I'm like a freaking machine lol. I have a love/hate relationship with it... I LOVE that it's something I can do for my babies, it makes me feel not so helpless but OMG pumping itself suuuuuucks lol. For the first month I have to do it EVERY. TWO. HOURS. All day. All night. And I know I'd be waking up like that with newborns too but, uh, my pump is not near as cute as my babies. I feel very farm animal-ish. BUT like I said, it's FOR my babies and I would seriously walk barefoot to the moon for them, pumping is the least I can do.

-I got the baby blues pretty bad for a couple days, but I don't know if it was all hormones or a combination of that and just the stress of everything. I feel a lot better now for the most part, I still have moments where it all gets really overwhelming but I don't think that's going to go away.


Whew, that was a LOT. I'm so proud of my babies!