Letters to the Babies: 18 Months

Grayson and Audrey,

First of all, your mama is a big fat slacker. Sorry your "monthly letters" skipped from seven months to 18 months. Whoops. It's been a busy year, ok?

Second, eighteen months. What? I know I did not just type that. Eighteen month olds are like, toddlers. They are big. They are not babies. Surely that is not you.

Except somehow, it is.

As I am typing this, you two are literally chasing each other back and forth across the living room, giggling and sqealing and passing toys back and forth. This is the scene that I dreamed of when I first saw those two flickering heartbeats on the ultrasound screen. Then you two had to go and come 16 weeks early and this is exactly the scene that I was too scared to picture. I was so terrified that I would lose one or both of you in those early days I could barely picture the next 30 minutes, much less 18 months from then.

But somehow, here we are.

People used to warn me about these days. "You just wait, Jessica," they would say. "One day those two will be running circles around you and you won't even be able to keep up!" And it would make me so sad to hear this, because back then we were just pushing for you to breathe on your own, and normal things like walking and running seemed so far off in our questionable future that I couldn't picture it ever happening. They were right though, you know. I chase after you two all day until I'm dizzy, and then fall into bed utterly exhausted and so full to the brim with love that I could burst. I love you two so very very much and I hope that I never ever stop marvelling at you, my miracle babies (even when you're 17 and screaming that you hate me).

All the way up to the moon, and all the way back again,
Your Mama

Seester Love

Lots of exciting things have happened in the five months I was blog-absent, but one of the most exciting things is that Grayson and Audrey are getting a new cousin!!! My sister is pregnant with a little boy and due in January. I am so excited for squishy baby snuggles (because my two not-so-babies are way too busy for snuggles) and to watch my baby sister grow into the amazing, quirky mom I know she's going to be.

Caitlin and I could not be any more different as people, but as sisters we have always gotten along pretty well (except for one unfortunate high school incident involving a stolen sweater and a glass of orange juice). She was studying abroad in Australia when my whole birth-drama went down, but she was one of the biggest cheerleaders for all three of us on from afar.

Anywho, she sent me this letter today and said I could share it here. Get your hankies ready.

A and G (and yo mama):

I am 22 weeks pregnant with your cousin! WOO HOO! This is important for SO many reasons. I am almost to my final trimester. I feel great, I can feel little Cooper kick and kick and kick (it is so weird and SO comforting), and it is also strangely a very personal milestone. A bit over a year and a half ago your mama was in the exact same place I am now (with you two in her belly) when she went into labor.

Now, it may seem like a strange thing to consider a milestone. Let me explain one thing that will hopefully take you years and years to understand (and G you might never quite get it): pregnant women are crazy, hormonal, emotional, crazy, insane, irrational, crazy versions of normal people. That also said, this puts my understanding of what your mama went through into a whole new perspective.

Let me just say, at this very moment I do not have a crib. I haven’t had a shower. There are maybe three onsies and a few bits and bobs that I have purchased for Coop to wear, and most of that has come from friends or Mimi. Most of my baby stuff is actually hand me downs from you two… My point is, at this time in the pregnancy it is absolutely unfathomable to have a baby on its way in a matter of weeks. It is just far too early!!

So, basically, you should be pretty proud of your mama, if not for anything but keeping it together. The early labor part was just the initial scary uphill climb of the craziest of crazy rollercoasters that not even any of us moms can understand. You should also realize that when she freaks out about everything from your first skinned knee to your first date it is because she knows what it is like to not have those three months of comfort with you right there where you are supposed to be in her belly. Being able to keep your baby (no matter how old) right where you want them is a fight that we ALL will go through, and with her it is going to be even more intense. She has the right (perhaps even more than the rest of us do) to be the crazy, insane, emotional mom that we all will be at one time or another.

I consider this a milestone not only because of your mama, but also because of you two. Although you wouldn’t remember a lick of it, you two kicked some major ass in life before you were even three months old. You beat the odds and you came out of that three month NICU stay little champs. I was absolutely blown away when I first saw you (it was just after you came out of the hospital and I was lucky enough to be unemployed and sporadically staying on your mama’s couch- so we got to spend so much time together!) You two were so perfect! CUTE! And smart! I am so grateful for those few months I had with you guys. Basically, in my deranged pregnancy brain if your mama and you two made it with a traumatic labor at 22 weeks, then Coop will hopefully be okay too. You two give all little preemie and non-preemie babies so much hope!

I can’t wait for you guys to meet Coop, and I can’t wait to watch you grow and learn and be old enough to tell all the crazy stories about your mama that you would never believe. You have made my life so much bigger and I am so appreciative for this milestone and for all the milestones we will share in the future! I love you all so much.

Love and smooches,
Xx Cray aunt Cait

I know. I KNOW. I love her, too.

(And also, any stories she tells about me are lies, flasehoods, and embellishments. My teenage years were full of calm, rational, smart decisions. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.)

Seven Months!

My not-so-bitty babies,

WHAT?!? How are we already on the downward slide to one? I can't even wrap my mind around it.

We're finally (FINALLY) moving out of that "newborn" stage. Don't get me wrong - I loved the newborn stage, but any preemie mom will tell you that with a preemie baby, the "newborn" stage can feel ETERNAL. Except now you two are hitting milestone after milestone and it feels like someone has pushed the fast-forward button. Slow down! (Apparently mom wants to have her cake and eat it too. I do love cake.)

Oh my Sassy, you're still so tiny - less than 10 pounds - but your personality just gets bigger and bigger. You wail so hard you look like a tomato with eyelashes but as soon as we give you what you want set things right for you, you flash this ridiculous grin. It's killer, and it's going to always get you what you want take you places. You're new thing is standing, you don't ever want to just sit anymore, you're always pushing up on your chunky little legs and looking around like the world looks TOTALLY different from up there. You really are the most awesome little tiny girl.

Grayson, my Smooch. You are the most kissable baby ever. You're just chunky and snuggly and loveable. You're perfectly happy to just be propped up and observing the room; you're such an old soul in a tiny body and I just am waiting for the day when you tell me all your secrets. You make me work hard for your smiles but when you give them they totally make my day! You take your time doing things but then you get them perfect on the first try. You're totally the tortoise to Audrey's hare.

I love you two so much. You're the very best part of my every day.

To the moon and back-
Your Mama

Six Months!

My sweet little (BIG!) babies,

Did I really just type that? HOW are you SIX MONTHS OLD already? I feel like when I wake up tomorrow I'll be sending you to Kindergarten, then next week should be college if we're following the same trend. I know it's a common parent refrain, but time with you is going by so very fast!



It's been a roller coaster six months, for sure. The first half filled with hospitals and heartbreaks and hope, tubes and needles for you and Kleenex for me; and the second half filled with the joy (and growing pains!) of settling into our lives - at HOME - together!



It's not uncommon for me to be going about our day as normal and, out of nowhere, fill up with the kind of tears that can only come from that mixture of gratitude and awe and love that only moms know. You two have just fit so seamlessly into our world, it's like all these years we were walking around with this giant twin-shaped hole in our lives and you came along and filled it perfectly.


(Even Lexi agrees!)

I can't believe it's been a whole half-year since you were born - so tiny, so fragile and so full of fight. I look at you now with all your chub rolls and smiles and personality I am brought to my knees with how lucky I am, how amazing you are, and how great God is.

I love you two so very much, all the way to the moon and back-
Your Mama

Four Months! (Well, Kind Of)

My sweet babies-



You have celebrated your first month "birthday" at home! And ok, as I write this you are actually four and a half months old. Those extra two weeks should be a pretty good indicator of how much fun I'm having with you here - I have no time for silly things like the internet!


Audrey, my Sassy, you are such a fun baby. You weigh 7 pounds, 7 ounces and are 19 inches long. You've become so alert and interactive. You love sing-a-longs with Mom and the spinning mobile on your swing and, above all, your daddy. You have all these loud opinions and you let everyone know them. I swear, you have more personality in that tiny body than some full grown people I know.


Grayson, you are probably the easiest baby in the whole world. You sleep and you eat and you snuggle. The snuggling is my favorite. When you are awake you still have that super serious way about you and I wouldn't be one bit surprised if your first words are to tell us all the meaning of life. You weigh 8 pounds, 2 ounces (EIGHT POUNDS!) and are 19 and three-quarters inches long.

Being your Mama has always been amazing but being your Mama full-time is absolutely the most fufilling thing I've ever done. I look at your little faces and I am filled with so much emotion that I feel my ribs could just crack from it. I love being your mama, I love having you home, and most of all, I love the two of you.

To the moon and back-
Your Mama

Three Months!

Check out our new digs - we've graduated to the feeder/grower room!

To my sweet, sweet babies-

It's been 3 months since you've come into my life. How has it been 3 months already?!? That is a quarter of a year - you are 1/4th of the way to 1 and that blows my mind. My time with you is flying by and you both are growing so fast!



Audrey, my little Sassy girl. Your personality is SO big and your cheeks are even bigger! You weighed 1 pound 5 ounces when you were born, and as of yesterday you weigh 5 pounds 7 ounces. You still love your daddy more than anything and you eat like a champ. The nurses try to keep you to a schedule but you're on your own time now, and most of that time is awake time. You're alert a lot more often and I absolutely cherish our "girl talk" time. I tell you all about the world and you stare at me with those HUGE eyes and make the best faces and I love it so much.



My handsome little Grayson. You are such a ladies man! The nurses all love to snuggle you and you love them all right back. You got your daddy's sleeping habits, which is to say you sleep a LOT and again, I hope you keep it up once you get home. You're a very serious baby and when you're awake you always look around like you are trying SO hard to understand the world around you, and I love the faces you give me when I'm talking to you. You have just about outgrown your preemie sized clothes (ok, you have totally outgrown them but I'm determined to get at least one wear out of everything) and you now weigh 5 pounds 10 ounces!

I love you two so very very much. Every night I go to bed thinking that there is no way possible that I could ever love you more, and every morning I wake up and that love has grown tremedously. You two are the most amazing babies.

All the way to the moon and back-
Your mama

Two Months!

Both babies at once, for the very first time!

To my little loves,

Today you are two months old! Two months! There was a time that I didn't think I was going to get two days with you, so two months seems like such a huge accomplishment and an even bigger blessing. Two months - 61 days, to be exact - doesn't seem like that long but I already can't remember life without the two of you. How did I live without this enormous love?

Audrey

birthday // one month // two months
You love your paci and your daddy's voice. You're such a snuggler now and your favorite place is curled up on my chest with your head on my shoulder. You have the biggest most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen on a baby and the nurses all love your cheeks and laugh about how active you are in your bed during the "quiet times". They say you look like your daddy but I don't really see it, I think you have my nose and that you kind of look like my mom (your grandma) did when she was a baby. You FINALLY hit three pounds just this week and now you clock in at 3lb 7 oz, which is 2lb 2oz more than what you weighed when you were born.

Grayson

birthday // one month // two months
You just discovered your love for the paci too and you are so funny to watch with it, because you chomp on that thing like it is your job! You sleep like a champ (can we keep that up once you get home please?!?) and you make the cutest faces when we talk to you. In the picture of you with no tubes on you look just like my Grandpa did, you'll never get to meet him but I know that he would have loved you so very much. We tease you about being a wimpy white boy but you always prove us wrong in the end, and you're still my chunky monkey at 3lb 12oz (up 2lb 4oz since birth).


Look at how far you two have come in such a short time! I have said it a million times but I will never be able to put into words just how proud I am of you, my sweet little babies. You have shown me what is important in life - and there is nothing more important to me than the two of you. You are absolutely my reason for breathing.

I love you two, all the way to the moon and back.
-Mommy

One Month Old!

Audrey

Birthday // One Week // One Month

Grayson

Birthday // One Week // One Month


To my sweet babies,

Today you are one month old! Yall are going to read this one day and not get why one month deserves an exclamation point but it so deserves one, if not more than one - I'm showing restraint here.

Look at how much you two have grown since you were born! At one month, you are still on your vents (but there has been talk of trying you off them soon!), your feedings are being increased almost daily and you have both gained more than a pound from your birth weight! Your personalities are really starting to shine and it makes me giggle at how different you already are. Grayson, you are going to be so laid back, just like your daddy, and Audrey, well... they call you Sassy for a reason!

The last 31 days have been terrifying, stressful, wonderful, incredible... there are no words that can adequately describe how I've felt. But I will tell you this: the two of you have captured my heart, wholly and completely. You barely weigh five pounds combined but the weight of your presence in my life is undeniable - my universe has shifted, tilted, and is now centered entirely around you.

Audrey and Grayson, I am infinitely proud of you, of how hard you are fighting and how strong you have proven to be already. I cannot wait for many many many more months together.

I love you two, all the way to the moon and back-
Mommy

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again -Jer. 31:3-4