Confessions of a (Not Quite) New Mom

Who is this crazy lady they sent us home with?!?


The good thing about the NICU (besides the whole "you're there because your babies are sick" thing) is that they are really good about schedules. The nurses get the babies on a strict schedule from the get-go and they stick to it like glue for the whole time they are there. So as a parent, once you get past the whole sick-baby-thing you're able to get into a really good routine.

And then they send you home.

And then your nice routine that you've had for almost four months is blown out of the water and you're expected to do everything by yourself.

Having the babies home has been nothing short of incredible, but it definitely hasn't all been smooth sailing. For your enjoyment, here are some tidbits from the trenches...

-We had our first pediatrition appointment three days after the babies came home. I was super worried about getting two babies, me, Chris and my mom plus the oxygen and monitors out the door, so I got up super early to make sure I gave myself plenty of time. I was able to get both babies bathed and dressed, diaper bag and monitors and oxygen packed, everyone ready - I even managed to put make up on! - and I was super proud of myself.... until we pulled into the parking lot and I realized that I had forgotten to brush my teeth.

-I can only remember approximately 7 words out of any given lullabye, so most of the time when I would try to get the babies to sleep it would go something like "rock-a-bye, and good night, bum ba-dummm la la la laaaa"... About three days in, I gave up on the lullabies. Now I sing Taylor Swift songs. Because I know every word to all of those. Because apparently I'm 25 going on 14.

-Audrey has had some tummy troubles since coming home, mainly from coming off the fortifier they would add to my breastmilk in the hospital. She didn't poop for like, 4 days. When she did, I cheered. Then I texted Chris about it. And then I posted about it on Twitter. I feel like posting about my babies' body functions on a social media site was my final induction into the mommy club.

-This post took me three days to complete.

So my life right now... crazy? Yes. Worth every exhausting second? Absolutely.

Due Date

Today was the date that our babies were originally expected to arrive on.

But today my babies are 3 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days old.

I was braced for today to be hard somehow but really? I feel like today my world has been flipped right side up again after being upside down for so long.

Today I feel like I am right where I belong.

Today I should be settling into a new routine with the babies I just brought home. It's what every other "new" mom does on or around their due date and, although it's not quite the same, today that's exatly what I'm doing. I'm supposed to be exhausted and unshowered and covered in spit up. I'm supposed to be rocking babies at 3am and chasing pacis and trying to figure out how to swaddle a miniature Houdini. And after more than three months of missing out on so much "normal", it feels so good to finally be where I "should" be.

It's kind of strange though, to look at my babies and think that this is how I should have met them, Audrey with her chubby cheeks and Grayson with his head full of hair. They have changed and grown and accomplished so much in the last three and a half months and had they come today like they were supposed to I would have missed out on so much of them.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 - He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Welcome Home

Eighteen weeks ago I walked into the hospital, barely halfway through my pregnancy and uncertian of our future. Two weeks later I left the hospital, no longer pregnant and with only a pump, some pictures and a heart full of terrified prayers.

For the next 109 days, I would go back to that hospital and for every single one of those 109 days my babies had to stay and fight for their lives and I had to leave empty handed again and again.

Monday night I walked into the hospital again and then yesterday I left with my babies.



If there are words to describe this experience and these feelings, they are lost on me. It is simply the most beautiful moments of my entire existance.

Psalm 113:9 - He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.

Gratitude

I'm trying to write my farewell letter to the doctors and nurses.

I'm having a really hard time with it.

Preparing to leave is so bittersweet. I've come to love these people as family, and they love my babies too. I've spent every single day of the last three and a half months with them, they've become a part of my life and I'm going to miss that part. It's like some weird grown-up version of summer camp, but with your sick babies... you're ready for it to be over but you're not ready to say goodbye.

And then, how do you express a gratitude this deep? "Thank you" is what you say to the person who holds the door for you at the bank. "Thank you" is not sufficent for the people who saved your babies lives.

I'd say I owe them my first born but she's super cute and after all this I'd really like to keep her. :)

Phililppians 1:3 - I thank my God upon every remembrance of you

Miracles Indeed

I got this little gem from a friend today. Her church has chosen us for their camp service project, which is so unbelievable and humbling and wonderful beyond words. This is part of a conversation she had with her third-grade daughter:

"She was talking about how cool it was that they know the people they are talking about at camp this year, then she gets really quiet (which believe me doesn't happen often) and says, "Mom, are her babies miracles?"

Straight from the mouths of babes, huh?

We've started our discharge checklist. We're scheduled for infanct CPR, home oxygen set-up, and rooming in. If all goes well, we should have our babies home next week.

Just in time for my due date.

Acts 2:22 - Jesus of Nazareth was a man accredited by God to you by miracles, wonders and signs, which God did among you through him, as you yourselves know.

One Hundred

Yesterday was our 100th day in the NICU.

It has been one hundred days of stress. One hundred days of worry. One hundred days of tears and heartbreak and trudging back and forth from the hospital.

But it has also been one hundred days of joy. One hundred days of hope. One hundred days of unbearable love and watching miracles happen before my very eyes.

I was not supposed to have these 100 extra days with my babies. At least, not with my babies on the outside. But in a weird way, I'm kind of glad I did. This time - though harder than anything else I have ever had to endure - this time has been special. I have gotten to watch my teeny tiny one-and-a-half pound babies thrive and grow and become these newborns that aren't quite newborns. Babies are all amazing but my babies? They are extraordinary. Their strength in the last 100 days have proven that, time and time again. I am so lucky to have had these 100 days with them.

My times are in Your hand -Psalm 31:15


PS - Happy Fourth, yall. It's been a quiet one around here... we're busy preparing for our own little Independence Day ;)