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Saturday, October 15, 2011

Late-Night Friday Confessional


I'm linking up with Mamarazzi for my first ever Friday Confessional... here goes nothin!

I confess... that I do realize that it's after midnight so technically this is Saturday Confessional. But we won't get caught up in the details.

I confess... that a friend told me the other day that I've never really "let it all out" here on the blog before. And that got me thinking, and re-reading.

And I confess... she was right. The last 6 months have been way emotional for me. And while I've touched on it here and there, I've mostly just kept yall updated about the babies.

So here goes.

I confess... that I am ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of losing my babies. I know it's a fear that every mom has, but I think I take mine to the extreme.

I confess... that even though we are three months removed from the NICU, the fear of losing my babies still brings me to tears. Regularly. As in, at least once a day. I came so close to it, so many times, that sometimes I can't wrap my mind around the fact that we're not still constantly on edge with their health.

I confess... that I constantly play it out in my mind. Different scenarios, rushing to the hospital or frantic 911 calls. There are so many things that can go wrong when you have babies. Especially sick babies.

I confess... the doctors told us we were ready to ditch the monitors but I begged for them to let us keep them. I love our doctors for understanding.

And I confess... that I have spent more than one night sitting up all night - actually, literally, until 5 in the morning all night long - watching those monitors. Just to be reassured that they were, indeed, still breathing.

And finally, I confess... that I don't see an end in sight for feeling better about it.

But I DO feel better for talking about it. I know I'm crazy. But I think I've earned it in this respect. And I love you all for letting me confess :)

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