There's No Place Like It

The H word.

Nurses don't just throw that word around. Doctors hardly ever say it. It's never been said to us before.

Until today.

"We weaned Grayson's flow a to 2.5 today," the respitory therapist told us. "Once we can get him down to one we can start talking about sending him home."

Home.

HOME!

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness!!! This is actually gonna happen, yall. I've always thought in "ifs" and not "whens", and most of the time I've been too scared to think about anything further than the next five minutes with my babies. But it looks like it is actually going to happen. These tiny babies in the plastic boxes are going to be coming home with me!

It makes me cry. And laugh. And panic a little. I have a nursery to finish! (And by finish I mean start. Did I say OH MY GOODNESS?!?)

(And PS - They're not talking about tomorrow, of course. We still have other milestones to meet. But it's in the not-so-distant future!)

A Thousand Words

These are the two picture frames that currently sit on the dresser in my bedroom. On the left are pictures from the very first time I held each of the babies, back when they were right around a week old. On the right, it's a picture of the first time I held both babies at the same time, right before they hit 2 months.

Look at how far we have come.

The saying goes that "a picture is worth a thousand words" but I see these pictures side-by-side and I have no words. These pictures are worth so much more than a thousand words - they represent a thousand tears and a thousand prayers and a thousand feelings that don't have names.

I don't know what else to say... just LOOK at how far we've come!

Two Months!

Both babies at once, for the very first time!

To my little loves,

Today you are two months old! Two months! There was a time that I didn't think I was going to get two days with you, so two months seems like such a huge accomplishment and an even bigger blessing. Two months - 61 days, to be exact - doesn't seem like that long but I already can't remember life without the two of you. How did I live without this enormous love?

Audrey

birthday // one month // two months
You love your paci and your daddy's voice. You're such a snuggler now and your favorite place is curled up on my chest with your head on my shoulder. You have the biggest most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen on a baby and the nurses all love your cheeks and laugh about how active you are in your bed during the "quiet times". They say you look like your daddy but I don't really see it, I think you have my nose and that you kind of look like my mom (your grandma) did when she was a baby. You FINALLY hit three pounds just this week and now you clock in at 3lb 7 oz, which is 2lb 2oz more than what you weighed when you were born.

Grayson

birthday // one month // two months
You just discovered your love for the paci too and you are so funny to watch with it, because you chomp on that thing like it is your job! You sleep like a champ (can we keep that up once you get home please?!?) and you make the cutest faces when we talk to you. In the picture of you with no tubes on you look just like my Grandpa did, you'll never get to meet him but I know that he would have loved you so very much. We tease you about being a wimpy white boy but you always prove us wrong in the end, and you're still my chunky monkey at 3lb 12oz (up 2lb 4oz since birth).


Look at how far you two have come in such a short time! I have said it a million times but I will never be able to put into words just how proud I am of you, my sweet little babies. You have shown me what is important in life - and there is nothing more important to me than the two of you. You are absolutely my reason for breathing.

I love you two, all the way to the moon and back.
-Mommy

Joyful in Hope

Look at how cute my baby boy is!



No really, how freakin cute is he?

Oh, and did you notice? Did you notice he fact that there are no tubes on my baby boy's face? He extubated accidentally during his bath this afernoon and the respitory therapist and his nurse both said it would be silly to reintubate him because he was doing so well. In fact, he was doing SO well that they let me take these few pictures without anything on him before hey hooked him up to the cannula.



That's right, I said CANNULA! They let him skip the CPAP and go straight to the cannula this time! He wasn't too sure about it at first (as you can see), and the air flow made him really sneezy. But as soon as he settled down he did really well with it! Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed that it sticks this time. Prayers that he's rested well and can do it. I know he can!

We are so blessed. God is so good.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. -Romans 12:12

Let's Play a Game!

First one who can figure out what's missing in this picture of Audrey is the winner...




That's right! She's off her CPAP!!!! Another HUGE step!

(Oh and PS, the nurses are all pretty sure that it should only be a few days before Grayson is extubated again, he's almost back to where he was when we did it the first time. He just got lazy about breathing. Love my wimpy white boy!)

Woah-oh, living on a prayer

Today the babies are 55 days old.

This is significant because if they come home on their due date (which is the canned answer in the NICU, most babies do) then we are halfway there.

It's a bittersweet day though. Grayson had to be put back on the ventilator this morning. It's frustrating, but not out of the ordinary in any way... in fact, his doctor told us that "if he had come off and stayed off the first time, it would have been very abnormal." He had some fluid in his lungs and the carbon dioxide level in his blood was elevated. He was just working so hard to breathe and he was wearing himself out. It's not that he's doing bad, it's just that he's not supposed to have to be doing it at all. He's not supposed to be on the outside, he's not supposed to have to breathe on his own, he's supposed to still be a fetus.

It's frustrating and it feels like a punch in the gut, but I am still so very very proud of him. He's doing the best he can, and he's really doing so well. They assured me that it will just be a few days, a week tops, to let him rest and then we'll give it another go. He'll get it eventually. I have so much faith in him.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. -Galatians 6:9

Bright Eyes

I forgot to update this amidst all the CPAP excitement (which, by the way, all of us on the CPAP are still rocking it) but the babies had their eye exams on Monday. Being born early puts babies at risk for something called Retinopathy of Prematurity (affectionately known as ROP), which is where the blood vessels in their retinas don't get to finish developing normally and can become "disorganized". ROP can cause vision problems at best, and retinal detachment or blindness if it is severe enough. All preterm babies are at risk for ROP, but especially babies with extremely low birthweights (um, check and check) and babies that have high oxygen reqirements for any amount of time (check there for Grayson too, from back when he was on the oscillator).

Needless to say, we were kind of holding our breath for this exam.

And while we were anxious to get the exam done and get some answers about the babies' eyes, the timing was horrible for it. The exam can be kind of stressful for the tiny ones, and I can totally understand why because their nurse gave me a very graphic description of the proceadure and I am SO glad I was at work and missed it. But I worried because when babies are so tiny like my babies are, stress can affect their respitory funtioning. And and I hated that this stress was coming so soon after their transition to CPAP - about 24 hours for Audrey and only 30 minutes for Grayson.

I was terrified that one (or both) would end up back on the venitlator.

They proved me wrong.

They both handled it with composure that would rival someone ten times their size (because seriously? I don't think I would have handled that well). The hated getting their eyes dialted but uh, does anyone like getting their eyes dialated? And afterwards they both bounced back well and settled down quickly and no one ended up back on the vent.

Oh, and the icing on the cake? Both exams came back well within normal limits. No ROP!

I should have never doubted my babies.