Due Date

Today was the date that our babies were originally expected to arrive on.

But today my babies are 3 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days old.

I was braced for today to be hard somehow but really? I feel like today my world has been flipped right side up again after being upside down for so long.

Today I feel like I am right where I belong.

Today I should be settling into a new routine with the babies I just brought home. It's what every other "new" mom does on or around their due date and, although it's not quite the same, today that's exatly what I'm doing. I'm supposed to be exhausted and unshowered and covered in spit up. I'm supposed to be rocking babies at 3am and chasing pacis and trying to figure out how to swaddle a miniature Houdini. And after more than three months of missing out on so much "normal", it feels so good to finally be where I "should" be.

It's kind of strange though, to look at my babies and think that this is how I should have met them, Audrey with her chubby cheeks and Grayson with his head full of hair. They have changed and grown and accomplished so much in the last three and a half months and had they come today like they were supposed to I would have missed out on so much of them.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 - He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Welcome Home

Eighteen weeks ago I walked into the hospital, barely halfway through my pregnancy and uncertian of our future. Two weeks later I left the hospital, no longer pregnant and with only a pump, some pictures and a heart full of terrified prayers.

For the next 109 days, I would go back to that hospital and for every single one of those 109 days my babies had to stay and fight for their lives and I had to leave empty handed again and again.

Monday night I walked into the hospital again and then yesterday I left with my babies.



If there are words to describe this experience and these feelings, they are lost on me. It is simply the most beautiful moments of my entire existance.

Psalm 113:9 - He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.

Gratitude

I'm trying to write my farewell letter to the doctors and nurses.

I'm having a really hard time with it.

Preparing to leave is so bittersweet. I've come to love these people as family, and they love my babies too. I've spent every single day of the last three and a half months with them, they've become a part of my life and I'm going to miss that part. It's like some weird grown-up version of summer camp, but with your sick babies... you're ready for it to be over but you're not ready to say goodbye.

And then, how do you express a gratitude this deep? "Thank you" is what you say to the person who holds the door for you at the bank. "Thank you" is not sufficent for the people who saved your babies lives.

I'd say I owe them my first born but she's super cute and after all this I'd really like to keep her. :)

Phililppians 1:3 - I thank my God upon every remembrance of you

Miracles Indeed

I got this little gem from a friend today. Her church has chosen us for their camp service project, which is so unbelievable and humbling and wonderful beyond words. This is part of a conversation she had with her third-grade daughter:

"She was talking about how cool it was that they know the people they are talking about at camp this year, then she gets really quiet (which believe me doesn't happen often) and says, "Mom, are her babies miracles?"

Straight from the mouths of babes, huh?

We've started our discharge checklist. We're scheduled for infanct CPR, home oxygen set-up, and rooming in. If all goes well, we should have our babies home next week.

Just in time for my due date.

Acts 2:22 - Jesus of Nazareth was a man accredited by God to you by miracles, wonders and signs, which God did among you through him, as you yourselves know.

One Hundred

Yesterday was our 100th day in the NICU.

It has been one hundred days of stress. One hundred days of worry. One hundred days of tears and heartbreak and trudging back and forth from the hospital.

But it has also been one hundred days of joy. One hundred days of hope. One hundred days of unbearable love and watching miracles happen before my very eyes.

I was not supposed to have these 100 extra days with my babies. At least, not with my babies on the outside. But in a weird way, I'm kind of glad I did. This time - though harder than anything else I have ever had to endure - this time has been special. I have gotten to watch my teeny tiny one-and-a-half pound babies thrive and grow and become these newborns that aren't quite newborns. Babies are all amazing but my babies? They are extraordinary. Their strength in the last 100 days have proven that, time and time again. I am so lucky to have had these 100 days with them.

My times are in Your hand -Psalm 31:15


PS - Happy Fourth, yall. It's been a quiet one around here... we're busy preparing for our own little Independence Day ;)

Three Months!

Check out our new digs - we've graduated to the feeder/grower room!

To my sweet, sweet babies-

It's been 3 months since you've come into my life. How has it been 3 months already?!? That is a quarter of a year - you are 1/4th of the way to 1 and that blows my mind. My time with you is flying by and you both are growing so fast!



Audrey, my little Sassy girl. Your personality is SO big and your cheeks are even bigger! You weighed 1 pound 5 ounces when you were born, and as of yesterday you weigh 5 pounds 7 ounces. You still love your daddy more than anything and you eat like a champ. The nurses try to keep you to a schedule but you're on your own time now, and most of that time is awake time. You're alert a lot more often and I absolutely cherish our "girl talk" time. I tell you all about the world and you stare at me with those HUGE eyes and make the best faces and I love it so much.



My handsome little Grayson. You are such a ladies man! The nurses all love to snuggle you and you love them all right back. You got your daddy's sleeping habits, which is to say you sleep a LOT and again, I hope you keep it up once you get home. You're a very serious baby and when you're awake you always look around like you are trying SO hard to understand the world around you, and I love the faces you give me when I'm talking to you. You have just about outgrown your preemie sized clothes (ok, you have totally outgrown them but I'm determined to get at least one wear out of everything) and you now weigh 5 pounds 10 ounces!

I love you two so very very much. Every night I go to bed thinking that there is no way possible that I could ever love you more, and every morning I wake up and that love has grown tremedously. You two are the most amazing babies.

All the way to the moon and back-
Your mama

Happy Father's Day

Audrey got his eyes. Grayson got his hands. I hope they both get his unbeliveably witty sense of humor, his sense of strength in adversity, and his ability to love without boundaries. I hope Grayson grows up to be just like him and I hope Audrey grows up to marry someone just like him. He is the very best father I could have ever hoped to have for my children.



Watching you fall in love with our babies has made me fall in love with you all over again. Happy Father's Day, honey.



PS And a special shout out to my very own Daddy... thank you for for setting a fantastic example of what a father should be and thank you for loving me regardless of my teenage years. I love you!