I have a lot to write about.
Like how going back to work wasn't so bad. And about the March of Dimes walk I did this morning that was wonderful and so fufilling. And I need to make a big ol' update about the babies and how AWESOME they are doing.
But today... today, a new baby was admitted into our NICU. Not an uncommon occurance, but this baby is different. This is the first baby I've seen where the nurses have whispered "probably won't make it".
It shatters my heart.
I see this mom, still in a hospital gown and hooked to an IV, and she looks terrified and I want to hug her and tell her it's ok but the fact of the matter is it's not ok. This woman is living out my greatest fear right in front of my eyes, the fear that I danced dangerously close to and somehow escaped, it is her reality now and it absolutely shatters my heart.
I've asked God why a LOT throughout the last eight weeks. Why me? Why us? Why my precious, tiny babies? Why did this happen to me, and not my sister-in-law, or my three (yes, three) best friends who are also pregnant, or the woman in line behind me in Target? Why didn't He stop it from happening, make me go to the doctor earlier, slow my contractions? Why?
Tonight though, I'm asking a different kind of why. Why have my babies done so well? Why do I get to keep them and other women don't? That baby is no younger or smaller than what my babies were (because let's face it, my babies were as young and as small as they could be and still be considered "viable"), they were born at the same hospital with the same medical team and the same care, so what makes them different?
I know that I will probably never know the "becasue" to my "why". I just know that my babies are special, they were chosen for this and this is the path that my family was given to walk and there's no turning back now. And I know that I am incredibly lucky.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." -Jeremiah 1:5
I will tell you that the first time a baby died in our (huge, state of the art) NICU, I lost my shit. Plain and simple. Someday, ask me about that day, and I'll be happy to share it with you. But I won't share it now.
ReplyDeleteYou are incredibly lucky hon. Keep your chin up and know that you and those babies are so loved!
God bless your tender heart. If that momma needs a hug, one coming from you will mean so much more than anyone else because you know what she's going through.
ReplyDeleteI ask God 'why' a lot, and I know He doesn't mind because I'm not questioning His right to do whatever it is He is doing. My 'why' is just my human mind trying to make sense of it. His answer to be doesn't always, or almost never, includes a 'because', but the answer is always "When you don't understand, when you can't see my plan, trust my heart"
I've heard that having a baby die either drives you towards or away from faith. In my case, it drove me away, but I know a lot of people whose faith is strengthened in these situations.
ReplyDeleteI am so inspired by you! Jeremiah is a chapter that I love dearly, and when I need some advice I always read my favorite verse:
ReplyDeleteFor I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Love you Jess!