Sleep (Or Lack Thereof)

Sleep. It's one of those things that parents tend to obsess about. "How are they sleeping?" "Are you getting any sleep?" "Sleep while the baby sleeps!" Sleep schedules, sleep training, co-sleeping... Are you overwhelmed yet?

G and A have always been decent sleepers. The only "complaint" that I have these days (and it really isn't that big of a complaint, most nights) is that if they do wake, they are pretty much garunteed to end up in our bed. It starts by whisking the whimpering baby out of his/her bed before the cries reach a point that would threaten to wake their neighbor - one baby is managable in the middle of the night, two can quickly tip the scales into Crazy Town. Usually there is some bopping around the living room or snuggles on the couch, but most of the time my sleepy, lazy parenting skills kick in and we head straight back to the Big Bed. "Just until they fall back asleep," is what I usually whisper to the grumbling husband lump beside me, but it never fails that just until they fall back asleep ends the next morning when all three of us wake up in a tangle of legs and arms and blankets and pacis.

Like I said, it's easy to get overwhelmed with sleep (or lack thereof). Early this morning though, as I was removing Audrey's foot from my kidney and replacing her paci for the 748th time, I was struck with a thought - there was a time when I would have given anything to wake up to a crying baby. Back when it was my screaming alarm waking me up every 3 hours, dragging me out of a fitful sleep to first hook myself up the ungainly tubes and plastic of the pump, and then to punch the over-used speed dial that kept me connected through the night to those teeny babies in the plastic boxes. Then, they were a few miles up the road instead of just down the hall, but for how I felt the distance could have been halfway from here to England. Back then, I wished so badly to have a crying baby in my bed.

And I know too, there will come a day - probably a lot sooner than I am prepared for - that my babies will be grown and not need (or want!) to snuggle in bed with me. And that will probably break my heart too and I will wish again for a crying baby in my bed. So yeah, I wake up with a stiff neck and bags under my eyes that you could pack a lunch in. But it's just a season, and really? I want to take the time to revel in it.

 

InstaFriday

Life lately, in pictures from everyone's favorite photo app!

(Yes, I realize it's 9:15 on Friday night. I'm blogging to keep me awake until an appropriate bedtime for a Friday night. Wild life here, kids.)

 

We always go exploring after naps. This day was apparently a rock-collecting day.

 

 

Fall in Georgia can be SO wonky. 58 in the morning, 75 by the afternoon. We wear lots of layers here for a trip to the park. 

 

 

I did my civil duty. Insert political statement here.

 

 

Grayson says it's hard to be a toddler.

 

 

I snapped this on one of our afternoon walks. I guess next week I'll be buying her a car.

 

 

The babies have been practicing feeding themselves with utensils. Yogurt is tricky, as you can see.

 

 

We had pictures taken for our Christmas cards (by the AMAZING Amy of Amy E Photography ) I can't wait to get them back!

 

 

I made margarita cupcakes for a birthday dinner at a Mexican place. They were super yum.

 

 

G and A did cupcake quality control for me. They approved 

 

 

 

Seester Love

Lots of exciting things have happened in the five months I was blog-absent, but one of the most exciting things is that Grayson and Audrey are getting a new cousin!!! My sister is pregnant with a little boy and due in January. I am so excited for squishy baby snuggles (because my two not-so-babies are way too busy for snuggles) and to watch my baby sister grow into the amazing, quirky mom I know she's going to be.

Caitlin and I could not be any more different as people, but as sisters we have always gotten along pretty well (except for one unfortunate high school incident involving a stolen sweater and a glass of orange juice). She was studying abroad in Australia when my whole birth-drama went down, but she was one of the biggest cheerleaders for all three of us on from afar.

Anywho, she sent me this letter today and said I could share it here. Get your hankies ready.

A and G (and yo mama):

I am 22 weeks pregnant with your cousin! WOO HOO! This is important for SO many reasons. I am almost to my final trimester. I feel great, I can feel little Cooper kick and kick and kick (it is so weird and SO comforting), and it is also strangely a very personal milestone. A bit over a year and a half ago your mama was in the exact same place I am now (with you two in her belly) when she went into labor.

Now, it may seem like a strange thing to consider a milestone. Let me explain one thing that will hopefully take you years and years to understand (and G you might never quite get it): pregnant women are crazy, hormonal, emotional, crazy, insane, irrational, crazy versions of normal people. That also said, this puts my understanding of what your mama went through into a whole new perspective.

Let me just say, at this very moment I do not have a crib. I haven’t had a shower. There are maybe three onsies and a few bits and bobs that I have purchased for Coop to wear, and most of that has come from friends or Mimi. Most of my baby stuff is actually hand me downs from you two… My point is, at this time in the pregnancy it is absolutely unfathomable to have a baby on its way in a matter of weeks. It is just far too early!!

So, basically, you should be pretty proud of your mama, if not for anything but keeping it together. The early labor part was just the initial scary uphill climb of the craziest of crazy rollercoasters that not even any of us moms can understand. You should also realize that when she freaks out about everything from your first skinned knee to your first date it is because she knows what it is like to not have those three months of comfort with you right there where you are supposed to be in her belly. Being able to keep your baby (no matter how old) right where you want them is a fight that we ALL will go through, and with her it is going to be even more intense. She has the right (perhaps even more than the rest of us do) to be the crazy, insane, emotional mom that we all will be at one time or another.

I consider this a milestone not only because of your mama, but also because of you two. Although you wouldn’t remember a lick of it, you two kicked some major ass in life before you were even three months old. You beat the odds and you came out of that three month NICU stay little champs. I was absolutely blown away when I first saw you (it was just after you came out of the hospital and I was lucky enough to be unemployed and sporadically staying on your mama’s couch- so we got to spend so much time together!) You two were so perfect! CUTE! And smart! I am so grateful for those few months I had with you guys. Basically, in my deranged pregnancy brain if your mama and you two made it with a traumatic labor at 22 weeks, then Coop will hopefully be okay too. You two give all little preemie and non-preemie babies so much hope!

I can’t wait for you guys to meet Coop, and I can’t wait to watch you grow and learn and be old enough to tell all the crazy stories about your mama that you would never believe. You have made my life so much bigger and I am so appreciative for this milestone and for all the milestones we will share in the future! I love you all so much.

Love and smooches,
Xx Cray aunt Cait

I know. I KNOW. I love her, too.

(And also, any stories she tells about me are lies, flasehoods, and embellishments. My teenage years were full of calm, rational, smart decisions. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.)

*tap tap tap*

Is this thing still on?

Does anyone remember me? I'm the one with the two cute babies.

Except technically they're not babies anymore. Sometime between my last blog post in April and them turing 18 months (WHAT) they turned into these funny, mobile, opinionated, amazing toddlers.

They're still pretty dang cute though :)

How to Save a Life

Being a stay-at-home mom has given me lots and lots of opportunities. I get to watch my babies grow. I get all the special, little moments. We don't have to worry about putting them in yucky, germy daycares when they are still so susceptible to those yucky germs. I get to wear yoga pants every day.

And I get to watch all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy that are re-run on Lifetime. I was a freshman in college when the series began and I've watched it religiously ever since - through the horrible brain cancer-induced hallucinations and the buses running over people (STILL NOT OVER THAT) and the post it wedding. I love Grey's Anatomy. The fact that Lifetime replays them all in order is awesome, because like I said, I love Grey's Anatomy.

Well, it was awesome. Until today, when they played THAT episode.

I knew it was coming. I knew it on Friday when they played the episode where Callie had her baby shower. I haven't seen it since it first aired and I knew it was coming and yet, like that car wreck, I still had to watch.

For those of you who don't watch Grey's, let me fill you in. First of all, let's start with the fact that this episode first aired on March 31, 2011. That's right, a mere 6 days after my babies - my teeny, tiny, pound-and-a-half, micropreemie babies - were born. This is relevant.

In this particular episode, Callie Torres is 23 and a half weeks pregnant and, as a result of an ill-timed seat belt unbuckling, is sent through the windshield of her car. She's in a coma, has massive brain injuries, heart injuries, so on and so forth... and her micropreemie baby ends up being born just shy of 24 weeks.

People had mixed reactions to the episode when it first aired. There were some major inaccuracies, they missed some obvious preemie things and mishandled some very touchy topics. Mostly, people hated the singing. I forgot to mention the singing. It was pretty ridiculous. Fellow preemie mom blogger Kayla Aimee wrote a really awesome review post on the episode after it first aired. My only reaction the first time I saw the episode? I was a hysterical emotional disaster. My poor mom and husband watched me practically flood our living room I was crying so hard (and still I refused to let them even near the remotes).

I couldn't give a good review of the episode, I could barely form a coherent sentence as I watched scenes from my very own life play out on my TV not even a week later.

And honestly? I thought it would be easier this time around. It has been almost 10 months, my life is so different now. Last time I was just getting into a routine of leaving my babies over and over again. This time when I sat down to watch it, I had just laid my big, beautiful, healthy babies down for a nap - in their own cribs, here at home. And still? I had absolutely no control over my emotions. Ten months and a lifetime later, and watching the hardest piece of my life through someone else's eyes still reduced me to a hysterical emotional disaster. Those emotions are still so raw for me. I'm afraid they always will be.

What about you? Have you seen this episode? What did YOU think about it?

So What Wednesday!

I'm linking up with Shannon at Life After I "Dew" for my very first So What Wednesday!

This week I'm saying "So What!" if...

-My New Year's resolution was to blog more. Eleven days in and I've only got 2 posts down (um, including this one). Oops. In my defense, my mom has been visiting since right after Christmas, so we've been busy hanging out with her!

-Sometimes, when we are particularly fussy and I've tried everything (EVERYTHING) I can, I just sit with them and let them cry. And take pictures to text to my husband with captions like "We miss you daddy!" and "Don't you wish you were here?"

-We had our 6 month post-discharge appointment with the NICU clinic and I teared up a little bit when they told us we wouldn't have to go there anymore. It was such a big step and I'm more than a little sad to leave the people who have seen us since the babies were their teeny tiniest. I am still (and forever will be) so so SO indebted to them.

-I accidentally spoiled the ending of last week's Greys Anatomy for about 67% of my facebook friends. Sorry yall.

-Maybe (and I will only concede to a maybe) its time to retire the vibrating chair.

What are YOU saying "So What!" to this week?

Two Pink Lines: One Year Later

It was exactly one year ago today - Halloween of 2010 - that I woke up with a headache way worse than was warranted by the one glass of wine I had with dinner the night before. It was one year ago today that I looked at a calendar and counted days and thought to myself "hmmm... maybe?" but tried not to get my hopes too up again. It was one year ago that I peed on a little plastic stick and put it down on the sink and got into the shower. It was one year ago today that when I pulled that shower curtain back I could see it from clear across the bathroom. It was one year ago today - Halloween of 2010 - that two pink lines changed my life.

Ok, so maybe it was more like 6 pink lines and one digital 8-letter word. (And maybe, not pictured here are the twelve other tests I took over the course of the next week until I got in to see the doctor). The fact is, those lines were there. And my life was changed.

Those lines held so much promise for me back then, and to look at them now is so bittersweet. We had been trying for 11 long months to get pregnant and those lines were the physical manifestation of 11 months of hope and tears and "good things come to those who wait" and trying (and most of the time failing) to trust in God's good timing. Those lines held dreams of tiny clothes and nursery designs and a swelling belly.

I did not know then that I was had not one, but two sweet little poppy seeds nestled in the depths of my belly. I did not know then that not even five months later I would end up in the hospital, and I did not know then that my sweet babies would be born sixteen weeks before they were supposed to be. I just knew then that I was pregnant and I loved everything about it.

The last year obviously did not go the way I had planned when I first saw that second line. It has, without a doubt, been the hardest year of my life. But it also has, without a doubt, been the very best year of my life.

Just look at us now.

A Day Late and a Dollar Short (AND A WINNER!)

I know, I know... I was supposed to announce my winner yesterday.

I'm sorry!

BUT! I have a really good reason!

We're famous! Our local paper called me at the end of last week - the NICU my babies stayed in is expanding, and they wanted to interview a recent grad as part of their article. And they chose us! I was super super flattered and well, I love our NICU so of course I jumped at the chance. The only problem? I was out of town Thursday-Sunday and they wanted to run the article today. Which means yesterday was a blur of last minute cleaning our messy just-back-in-town house, making myself look presentable, and putting cute clothes on the babies for the paper's photographer to come take our picture. (Alright, alright, and then my sister came over and we tried to make our own weave. That's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day.) Point of the story: yesterday was uber busy, which is why I didn't get to do this post.

But I'm here now!

Comment #13 was from thefloyds10! Yay Savannah!!! Email me (dingle.lee at gmail.com) and we'll get a hat going for sweet Noah :)

I'd like to extend a big huge THANK YOU to everyone who entered and promoted my giveaway! I had a lot of fun and I couldn't have done it without all of you! Annnnd a big HELLO to all my new readers... leave me a comment and tell me a little bit about you!


PS If you'd like to read the article featuring my sweet babies, you can see the whole thing online here!

Later, gator!

Chris is taking me and the babies to Florida to visit my parents for my birthday, so I'll be gone through the weekend. I can't wait to introduce Grayson and Audrey to their great-grandmas and put their little tootsies in the ocean for the first time! This is totally what life is all about :)

***And don't forget about my giveaway! I'll be choosing the winner on Monday when I get home!

Happy Fall, Yall!

There are a lot of things I love about being a mom. Sleep smiles, for one. They are the cutest. Chub rolls on baby legs, too. Bathtimes are SO fun. And I love the way their heads fit in the crook of my neck when we snuggle.

Like I said, I really really love being a mom.

But I think what my favorite thing about being a mom is all the "firsts" I get with my babies. And ok, so maybe they're only six months old. And maybe adjusted they're really only closer to three-month-olds, so they really won't remember any of these "firsts". And maybe I love them so much because I missed out on so many firsts in the NICU. But truth is, I LOVE doing things with the babies that they have never done before. Even if it is something I've been doing for years, it is SO FUN to see it through a mother's eyes for the first time.

Now that Fall is here, and the holidays are just around the corner, our "firsts" are about to go into overdrive and I cannot wait! We kicked off the season with...

A visit to the pumpkin patch!!! We dressed in our fall finest, we ate boiled peanuts and cheap hotdogs (ok, Chris and I ate boiled peanuts and cheap hotdogs), we looked at the scarecrows, we picked out pumpkins! We didn't stay long because it was kind of chilly, but we had so much fun regardless. I can't wait to carve our pumpkins!

PS - How cute would these pictures be in a MixBook photobook? So cute. My dear friend Whitney is giving one away at her blog, We're Making History! I entered to win... you should go visit and enter, too! (Ok maybe not enter, because then that would lessen my chances of winning. But DO go visit Whit, she's awesome and she has really cute dogs and a really cute fiance!)

In & Out

On Friday, the babies were 25 weeks old.

This officially means that the babies have been "out" longer than they were "in".

And yall... that is so crazy to me. The whole last year has been such a whirlwind, sometimes I stop and look around and can hardly believe that this is my life. It just seems so strange, things like this - sad things, hard things, miracle things - they happen to other people, they happen to friends of friends or someone your aunt works with. They don't happen to you. And yet here I am, with babies who are getting so big and who are doing so well and who are not even six months old and yet have been here longer than I was pregnant with them.

I still marvel at just how blessed I am.

9/11, as a Mother

The school I taught at does this really lovely 9/11 remembrance ceremony every year. As teachers, we were expected to spend the day discussing, teaching, remembering with our students.

I will never forget my first year, trying to plan lessons for that September day. My students that year were babies that had been born in 2003 and 2004, years after the attacks had happened. I remember staring at my blank lesson plan book, totally stuck. How do you explain an event that changed a child's life before their life had even begun?

And today, I sit here with my own babies - babies born a whole decade after the tradgedy that changed our nation - and I revisit those very same feelings, only magnified through the heart of a mother. I know that one day, my babies will learn about what happened on September 11 of 2001. I know that they will have questions.

How do you gently explain a hatred so big to a person so little?

How do you express the magnitude of an entire nation, 300 MILLION people, mourning together?

What do I tell them? I was only 15 when it happened, a freshman in Coach Hauck's US History class. I couldn't begin to comprehend what it meant. At 25, I'm still not sure that I fully understand.

I have no idea what I will say when the time comes. There are books and websites and videos that are geared towards teaching children, but I don't know what, if any of it, I will use. But I do hope that I can approach the subject with delicate words and a grace that will make them understand but not afraid. I hope they can take away the lesson that hate will never win. I hope that they gain an immense appreciation for the men and women who serve our country. I hope that I can teach them to say "thank you" to those in Army fatigues, to stand up straight when the National Anthem is played, to place their hands on their hearts when they say the Pledge and, most importantly, to understand why we do these things.

I want them to know that not only are they lucky to be alive, but that they are lucky to be American.

We will always remember.

*tap tap tap*

Please forgive me, Blogiverse. I have not forgotten you. I have not left you forever.

But come on...








Would YOU have time for the internet if this was your life?!?

These Days

We've been busy around here! There have been lots and lots of new things going on, plus I have lots of back-logged stuff to tell you about. Let's catch up, shall we?

-We had our March of Dimes walk on May 7. I raised around $350 which isn't much, but I started only a week before so I was pretty darn proud! I had some wonderful friends walk with me and we saw a lot of our nurses there too. It was awesome to hear so many NICU success stories and so fufilling do be proactive about supporting my babies. I can't wait to really get involved with next year's walk!




-I had my very first Mother's Day and Chris and the nurses made it SO special. I got breakfast in bed, some gorgeous flowers, cards from Chris, the babies AND the dogs, and charms for my Pandora bracelet. Chris got me a charm with the babies' birthstone, and when I went to visit the babies they both had charms for me too (a little girl charm from Audrey and a little boy charm from Grayson). Chris even had one of the nurses take some awesome pictures of the surprise!




-I went back to work to finish out the three and a half weeks that were left in the school year. It was bittersweet, and that's all I'll say about it (because, you know, writing unflattering things about people on the internet makes it public). My school friends managed to sqeeze out a little time to throw me the most wonderful shower though!




Annnnd here we are! It's June now, which means I can officially say "the babies will be home by next month" which is kind of exciting (and by "kind of" I mean OHMYGOODNESSEXCITING). Stay tuned for a big update about all the baby progress going on!